She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
