Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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