My hand turned me down
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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