I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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