he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
