All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
