I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
