If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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