I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
