he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
