please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
