Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
