you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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