the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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