don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
