i think my tv is drunk
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
