he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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