How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
