I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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