Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
