i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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