I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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