I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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