why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
