u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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