I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
