My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
