It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
