I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
