I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
