I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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