Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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