I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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