everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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