did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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