dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
