So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
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