i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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