she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
birth control should be required to get into college
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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