Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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