My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I stole a fireplace last night.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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