i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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