I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
