I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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