Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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