Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize