I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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