Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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