I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
