WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
