we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize