Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
