Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
