So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
