We won't sleep together?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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