Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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