Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
