hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Pants 0. Shit 1.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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