This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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